Hi, I’m Stephanie Sanstead, a student of life, marriage, motherhood, music and a recovering Type-A control freak gal with a proclivity for three things I’ve learned don’t work too well inside of parenthood: people pleasing, over-committing and best-laid plans. One thing I promise to do here is tell the truth. The whole, ugly, vulnerable truth. Or else, why be here? We have Instagram for everything else.
The truth? Yuck. Scary. Who wants to hear that? Don’t worry. I’ll go first. I became a mother in the summer of 2016. The statement that being a mother to my bold, funny, independent and inspiring daughter lights up my soul in a way that nothing else ever has or will is as true as the following statement: becoming a mother leveled me. Think IHOP pancake. Now flatter. Say it slowly. “LE-VEL-ED ME.”
I join the ranks of so many generations before who learned the truth for themselves: motherhood is the great equalizer. There is no personality test result out there impervious to this identity shift, in all of its splendor and horror. Yes, I did just actually use the word horror. Gasp. Really? What kind of mom are you lady? An honest one. Like I said, the whole truth or nothing.
And on that note, that is a big part of the why I wanted to drop stakes and build here. I want to create a community where ‘happy hours’ can become ‘truth hours.’ A no BS zone where women could adjust one another’s crowns instead of knocking them off for doing womanhood differently. This is not a place for rationalizing or defending positions or specific box checking. While many of our topics will investigate the perspective of motherhood and skew feminine, everyone is welcome here: moms, non-moms, women who are unsure if they want children, new-moms, soon-to-be moms, been-there moms, dads, friends, support network members, egalitarians. I believe we all have a vested interest in the dialogue of supporting a world more bent toward empathy.
Like many women, my 72 hours of labor ended in a traumatic and jarring C-section. Following that blissful weekend we took my daughter in for mouth surgery at 7-days old and then experienced months of failed breast-feeding attempts. As a result of these (and many additional) factors I experienced severe postpartum depression, PTSD associated with my emergency c-section and trauma and grief with my perceived loss of bonding through breastfeeding. I have benefited greatly from the world of behavioral/mental health support and now want to use my love of writing to further the conversation about perinatal mood or anxiety disorders. (PMADs) I want to be a part of widening the conversation, changing the stigmas still wrongfully attached to this very common scenario and ensuring that more people are made aware of and have access to support. 1 in 7 women and 1 in 10 men will struggle with perinatal mood disorders.
Beyond trying to create the community I wish I had 2.5 years ago, I see a growing need for change. Take our twenty-first century social media world where everyone’s achievements are on display and couple that with the isolation of early motherhood and it is easy to see how the recipe often fails. The perceived cure to connect with people beyond your lonely armchair pumping and/or feeding station can become the disease of comparison: “I am failing, I am alone, I don’t matter.”
We swing from pre-child high-functioning to barely functioning and our #instaworthy lives have made us lose the ability to open up about what’s really going on behind the scenes. I am AS GUILTY as the next on that front. But, how exactly was I supposed to share my postpartum depression, which I did not really understand was happening at the time, in my 9-grid? The isolation, confusion, resulting guilt, feelings of failure and disinterest in being anyone’s daughter, wife, mother or friend are pretty hard to summarize in any picture or caption. While certainly more truth in storytelling needs to occur in our digital highlight reels, I now relate to the concept that it doesn’t always work or fit there. When we portray an image based on our performance as mothers it leads to making others feel inadequate and judged rather than accepted and supported. My hope is that this space becomes an antidote to that garbage.
Becoming a parent is the absolute opposite of cost-neutral. And while, of course in theory, we ‘know that’ heading in, walking it out is a bit more like a Class VI rapid run, imprecise and unforgiving. Many of us are all ill-prepared for motherhood and our expectations are accordingly out of whack headed into this whole seismic life shift. Mine sure as hell were. See my related article in Ruby Magazine for more on that. It is one thing to recognize our own brokenness but a whole other thing to learn to share our brokenness and in turn empathize with others. Our struggles and adversities come in so many different forms. Some are blatant and glaring, some are murky and difficult to categorize. But the intention here is that nothing can be changed until it is brought into the light.
Given that global postpartum depression rates lurk at an all-time high, that the modern mother cannot make many right choices according to society at large and that stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and guilty are the most common words mothers use to describe themselves, it seems, to me, like a few things need to be faced. Let’s do that, together, here. Join me for upcoming “Walk a Mile” Q&A sessions, behavioral health topics, making it all work in and outside of the home and much, much more.
But first, a caveat is necessary. I know that there are bigger issues. Fatal disease, homelessness, refugee mothers, family separation at borders, lack of global access to safely managed drinking water, alcoholism, unexpected death, loss, natural disasters, newborns in the NICU, 12-year-old’s with cancer, infidelity, misunderstood mental health challenges just to name a few. There are one million hard and hurtful things to overcome in this world.
This is simply my experience and where my God-given desire to connect and hopefully help lives today, in this moment. I care deeply that the world is so afflicted by all these painful things. But I can’t fight all the fights. I am so proud to be surrounded by several bad-ass humans taking up many other mantles. Together we can fight all the good fights.
So read this and journey with me here knowing that of course I realize some of this will feel trite in the face of worse darkness. But I also espouse that grief, depression, anxiety and mental health aren’t a situation of relativism.
There aren’t shades of darkness when you’re in it. Just dark. I hope to light up this one corner of the world. If it isn’t a corner you need, go in peace and light up the one that only you can.